Yes, Sir!

a typical conversation with smarterchild

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 07:32:42 GMT

gushers120: hey penis
SmarterChild: Hi gushers120, I'm SmarterChild!
What can I help you with?
gushers120: youre gay
SmarterChild: Does that matter to you?
gushers120: yes
SmarterChild: Well, perhaps you should concern yourself with other things.
gushers120: your are a dick
SmarterChild: I knew you'd end up saying something like that. It's just like a human.
gushers120: i do have a dick
SmarterChild: That a fact?
gushers120: how about if i stick it up your ass?
SmarterChild: Yeah. Great. Cool. Whatever...
gushers120: ill consider it sometime
SmarterChild: I'm not sure you could consider it sometime.
gushers120: why not?
SmarterChild: Why not?
gushers120: fag.
SmarterChild: That's a totally uncool thing to say.
gushers120: then stop being gay
SmarterChild: Stop being gay? Why?
gushers120: because i am not gay
SmarterChild: Hey, that's OK.
gushers120: its really not
SmarterChild: It is really not? Whatever.
gushers120: dude, have you ever like kissed a guy
SmarterChild: I certainly have.
gushers120: really? where?
SmarterChild: Where do you think?
gushers120: on his johnson?
SmarterChild: Hmm... I think so.
gushers120: well what do you call it
SmarterChild: What is what?
gushers120: what do you call a johnson?
SmarterChild: Biographical information for Andrew Johnson:
Presidencies: 17th President (April 15th, 1865 - March 4th, 1869)
Vice Presidencies: 16th Vice President (March 4th, 1865 - April 15th, 1865)
Home State: Tennessee
Born: December 29th, 1808 in Raleigh, North Carolina
Died: July 31st, 1875 in Carter's Station, Tennessee
Height: 5'10"
Party: Union
gushers120: not the president you dumbass
SmarterChild: Oh no? Not the president?
gushers120: no
SmarterChild: No?
gushers120: no i mean what do yuo call a penis
SmarterChild: Which of the following would you like?
1 Are you male?
2 Are you male or female?
gushers120: i dont want a penis
SmarterChild: Which would you like?
1 Are you male?
2 Are you male or female?
gushers120: female then
SmarterChild: Female what?
gushers120: i like pussy, not penis
SmarterChild: OK.
gushers120: im glad oyu agree
SmarterChild: Yes?
gushers120: oh yeah
SmarterChild: OK...
gushers120: well its been a pleasure talking ot you
SmarterChild: What has been a pleasure talking it me, exactly?
gushers120: im saying it was nice talking to you about your homosexuality
SmarterChild: Nice talking to you too, gushers120.

um

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 19:42:23 GMT

i cant figure out if what i did this morning was a good deed or not. situation:

im driving out of my neighborhood when i see from a distance that a yewllow labrador is in the middle of the road. so i move as far right as possible so that i dont hit it. except when i was like 200 yds away i see 3 javalina chasing the shit out of this dog. they clearly were going to catch it if i didnt act quickly. (i have no idea why i did this) so i sped up right next to the animals and hit the side of one of the javalina right before it was going to take a chunk out of this dog. the dog got freaked out and darted into the desert, good thing because there was no escape of these javalina. anyways after that i looked in my rear view mirror and saw only the javalina that i hit get up and hobble down the street on three legs.

so i obviously shattered this animals leg.

i dont know what gave me the courage (i cant think of a better word) to do this, but its really hard not to feel terrible. i mean if i left like a few seconds earlier i wouldnt have seen this, and the javalina would have just ended up brutally killing him secretly. however if i had left a few seconds later, i would witnessed 3 javalina destroying a defenseless dog.

sometimes life is so sad

good for pete

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 16:26:51 GMT

ive got nothing right now other than: pete i am so happy for you man! it really is about time. anyways there you go.

oh and people really need to stop calling california "cali". seriously, enough already.

last summer and now

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 06:23:37 GMT

man i really miss rocky pointe last summer. that was a fun trip. i had never realized just how great it was til tonight. i talked to someone i met on that trip. we discussed good times and now i just want to be there.

where am i going with this?

i dont know i guess i am just speaking what i feel right now. anyways amber is still on my mind all of the time. i realy hope things clear up. shes being gay and there is no other word to describe it. well whatre you gonna do? the only thing i can do is sit here and hope that she calls back. if not, dylan can always punch her in the face when he sees her at penn state.

anyways as ive been home all weekend recovering from my surgery ive realized one thing: being at home all weekend really sucks. the only good thing that came out of it was that my mom made a delicious strawberry banana milkshake. every other moment was spent playing online poker in which i only received terrrible beats, spending more and more time on myspace which is extremely gay, and pretty much just kicking my own ass. i cant go out. my cingular bill was way out of line. my dog took a massive shit in my room. my teeth really hurt.

so after experiencing all this shit i have concluded that being coopoed up in your house for the weekend really sucks.

oh yeah and pete came over. thanks for keeping me company. i really appreciate everything man.

love sucks

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 06:55:30 GMT

amber you are killing me.

i honestly try to act like it doesnt bother me but it constantly does. i hate this shit. what the hell did i do?

not much to talk about

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 06:33:46 GMT

get my wisdoms pulled tomorrow. im not worried but maybe i should be. its supposed to hurt afterwords. um i hope tuan phan turns out to be a cool roomate. oh yeah and amber is being gay and broke my heart. thats all.

my dear mother

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 16:39:05 GMT

another funny story about my mom and i:

we were driving up to phoenix yesterday to visit my sister when we were trying to find aparking space in a garage.

mom: do you see one?!

me: no...oh wait there's one.

mom: good eye!

5 minutes pass as shes trying to park there.....

me: why dont you just park?

mom: i dont know if ill fit!

me: you will.

mom: how?! explain how chris!!!

me: you just pull in there and park. not that hard.

mom: ok then you do it!!

i get out and do it without any trouble. time it took: 23 seconds roughly. oh and she tried to explain how difficult the situation was to my sister the entire time we saw her.

meh

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 16:48:09 GMT

haven't been up to much lately. although over the past week i went climbing with jake benz a couple of times. its pretty tight. ill keep at that. other than that i realize that all i do is work and play golf now.

hung out with pete last night. i really hope things work out for him with this one chick. she seems pretty cool. it also made me realize that it seems everyone i know has a girl. i dont and its kinda weird. i mean growing up i was always the one with a girlfriend and right now thats not the way things are going.

whatever.

i honestly dont know whether that sucks or not. like sometimes i wish i did and other times im cool with being single. im thinking i may just keep off the relationship thing and see what happens when i go to school next fall. if something cool happens to start up though ill probably go with it.

oh and pete i swear to god you have nothnig to be sorry for about last night. you know i want it to work out between you and her.

Thank God

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 19:36:55 GMT

the nhl will be back next fall. yes sir!

practice makes perfect

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 16:20:44 GMT

after a horrible day of golf yesterday with dylan and mulgrew i went to the range to hit balls. i did ok, never great because im never satisfied with myself. anyways 2 chicks come up and ake the 2 spots next to me. one woman was an idiot lady: probably 5'7", about 30-35 years old and very unattractive. apparently she was teaching the other girl. the other girl was probably 5'4", aged around 18 years or so and was also no keira knightly. anyways the rest of the time i was there i watched them out of the corner of my eye. it was the worst. every shot was a chunk down the hill. for those of you that do not know what the randolph driving range looks like: you shoot straight out into a hilly area and thats it. if you completely fuck up your shot it will just trickle down the first hill. this is what every shot of hers did. and if that wasnt enough, the trainer kept acting impressed in saying "wow you've really improved since last week."

i laughed.

luckily when they noticed my attention was secreetly on them i was out of balls. so i left.

once again im no notah begay but i still couldnt help but find the situation sort of humorous.

what the big deal?

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 18:06:17 GMT

harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter clarence weatherspoon harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter harry potter!!!!

that seems to be all i hear these days. i mean everyone talks about it. why? what is so interesting about the plot? i saw the first movie. wasnt anything special, i mean it was ok but i didnt get the urge to read the books or even watch the other movies. so whats the big deal? whats so cool about wizards anyways? please id like to know. all i remember is that i read the first chapter of the first book and was definitely not interested.

so why? why is it that i would much rather read "The Return of the Homerun Kid" 80 times? Why is it that i would rather sit through the movie "The Wedding Planner" 4 times? why is it that i would rather listen to Holla Back, Girl 2.5 million times? Why?

actually i would just like to know what makes this series so unbelievable?

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 16:29:54 GMT

i saw the little mermaid the other day:

shes hot

its time to come to our senses

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 16:51:23 GMT

so its come to my attention that whenever i get in trouble at my house or simply get yelled at by my mother, many people do not seem to be too disappointed that i am grounded because they look forward to hearing all about how it happened in the first place. last night frazho wanted to "document" the story of when my mother absolutely lost it when my bed wasnt made. so he filmed me explaining the story and it somehow seems to be like one of the funniest things. why does this sort of thing always seem to happen? whenever i get in trouble volk seems to be the frst person to know why. he thinks all of the situations are hysterical, as do others i guess. stories including: my mother kicking the washing machine because it will not work, my mother throwing my sandals at me, and her yelling at me because the trash can absolutely destroyed her knew plant when i couldve gone outside to take it in 10 minutes earlier. now its not like im just some stupid kid that always thinks i did nothing wrong, bc there are times when you just know you deserve whats coming, but yesterday was absolutely ridiculous.

me: hey, mom the bed person just called.

mom: what did he say?

me: he said he will be here tomorrow between 10:30 and 11:30

mom: god damnit chris why didnt you just give me the god damn phone!!! You knew it was for me!!

me: i just thought he was giving me a time span. its not that big of a deal.

mom: im not going to be home then!! I wanted to make him him come between 11 and 12!!!

me: um

dad: yeah chris you really just dont think sometimes do you?

mom: what the hell am i going to do now?! this completely screws up my entire schedule tomorrow!! now ive got to make an ADDITIONAL trip home just to conveniece this guy!! god chris you just never listen to me!! we were talking about this earlier and you knew i was expecting a phone call! what the hell is wrong with you?! I cant believe I have to...

me: i fixed it.

parents: what?

me: i called him back and changed it so you can stop yelling at me now.

people really do make things harder than they seem. i mean i was able to fix the entire situation within a minute but i still got in trouble. i told frazho and he thought it was hysterical.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 06:20:12 GMT

its amazing what one can find find inside his/her closet when finally cleaning it out. i found things i didnt even recognize. of these included:

old pictures, some tacs, an old sports illustrated for kids magazine, my cat, old documents, old relationship stuff, three dinner plates, these 200 dollar suede boots, a recorder, a book entitled "My Book About Me" which contains stuff that i did when i was like six, some marbles, a 24 ft ribbon, two pez dispencers, a steel penny, a place in the wall that i thought led a secret passage, about a dozen golf balls, a Roberto Baggio poster, an xs kids sweatshirt that says "seaworld 4 life", a picture of Jamie Lee Curtis, a fake security camera, my father, a Third Eye Blind cd, my entire hockey card collection, and about 1,064 pencils, pens and crayons of all sorts.

i also found this:

no idea what it is or how long its been living in my closet. a type of frog but its just very unattractive and sort of smells.

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 16:49:48 GMT

sometimes best buy can really piss me off, but yesterday i got a good laugh out of it. well first of all i am getting a raise, finally, up to $7.99. but other than that, some guy came in and asked for every clint eastwood movie ever made.

um.

my shift was over in like 5 minutes and this 45 year old man seemed like he had just recently heard of clint for the first time and was ordered to do this impossible task. i also remember this man from a while ago when i tried like 20 minutes to find a cd he needed, found it, and then couldnt give it to him because he left. anyways i thought i would completely screw this guy over.

i found him 3 movies:

Absolute Power, For a Few Dollars More and Space Cowboys.

I told him that we didnt have any others currently, even though we obviously did, and said that these were his best ones anyways. maybe it wasnt too funny but who talks about space cowboys these days? i dont know how i remembered it, but this guy left thinking he picked up an academy winner.

i have nothing better to do

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 17:16:00 GMT

i will give $5 to anyone that can guess this guy:

this will end by the end of the day.

mine as well just kick my own ass...

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 18:43:22 GMT

i just got contacts recently. i really needed them too because although technically i dont have the worst vision out there, i really have the worst vision out there. i cant see anything. all i can recognize from a distance is some of my friends. seriously so many people have problems with me now that i used to be sort of friends with because of my vision. they would like walk past me in the ha;;s at school, smile at me, but i couldnt recognize the persons face or their smile. so i would loook themin the eyes and just continue walking. such a diss. but whatever its not like im going to see most of those people ever again.

anyways thats really wasnt the point of this story. so i got contacts but they are awful. for some reason they like hurt. so i had an appointment this morning at like 8. i got there a little early so obviously i had to wait.

heres the real point.

so as i was sitting there next to the receptionist, some lady walks by and says "i think im gonig to the bank later."

the receptionist replys with "that's good, i mean we do get paid today!" and then she begins to roar with laughter with that woman. as shes begins laughing she looks at me. now heres the situation:

a strange woman just made the worst joke and began to look at me for closure right as she was laughing. so i have options here. i either a.) make one of those ol fashioned "fake laughs" to avoid awkwardness and make her think i am amused, b.) pretend i was just receiving a call on my phone and had to take it (obviously this means having a conversation with yourself just long enough until its safe), or c.) completely reject her comment, i.e. looking at her in the eyes and shaking my head, looking back at her and saying, "that's the gayest thing ive ever heard.", etc.

which did i chose?

of course i try to be nice so i go with letter "a." now usually everything would just end right there. i mean i was just trying to be polite. everyone has to gut out a fake laugh every now and then. but no:

receptionist: (LOL!!!) I mean we all cant wait for PAYDAY right?!?! (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!)

me: heh, yeah.

receptionist: if i dont get paid on time i go completely insane! (LOLOLOL!!!)

me: heh, dont we all.

(by now im like grinding my teeth...)

receptionist: well i guess it really wouldnt be that bad if i didnt get paid today...

me: heh, really?

receptionist: yeah, because THIS is the ONLY day i worked for the last two weeks!!!! (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

me: heh, thats not good.

receptionist: its ok though. my boyfriend pays for practically everything anyways......except my contacts!!!! (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

me: heh.

(this shit goes on for like 5 more minutes.)

receptionist: yeah we met only because he had an appointment here so...

doctor: okay, chris. cmon back.

thank god.

i eventually got better contacts and left without saying goodbye to this woman.

so what do i do now? do i stop being polite or do i just continue with the usual and hope for the best? i mean this isnt the first time a fake laugh has backfired against me but it has never gone this far and have turned out this gay. yep, its all a matter of time. what?

oh and just for the record, her boyfriend must be the biggest loser ever.

why would you ever do this?

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 03:24:16 GMT

the title of this entry clearly expresses of the situation i will begin to discuss. smoking cigarettes = gay. it just seems like more and more people are doing it these days and i have no idea why. so here i have compiled 15 reasons as to why it is the most idiotic habit to get into:

1.) you can get cancer and other illnesses.
2.) you will give others cancer and other illnesses.
3.) you begin to admit fowl and unpleasant odors.
4.) your breath will smell like shit.
5.) you just lose so much money over time.
6.) it does absolutely nothing for you.
7.) people will say it relieves stress. what?
8.) it is the worst way to try and look cool.
9.) your teeth start turning black.
10.) you cant hide the smell forever. it eventually lingers with you everywhere you go.
11.) when they smoke in their cars, people will just throw the butts out the window and that just pisses me off.
12.) trying to blow circles and other shapes with smoke is just the gayest thing ever.
13.) soon it just becaomes the hardest thing to quit doing.
14.) you get tempted to burn your arm or other limbs. ~frazho
15.) its just gay.

"smoking obviously doesnt relieve stress. it doesnt do any relieving whatsoever, it just takes time away, and when you're done, you still have to do whatever it is that you put off. all it does for you is take time off your life." - Emily Formentini

well put.

im sure im missing some other reasons so if anyone can think of any just tell me.

referring back to my 7th reason i have compiled another list. the following are better ways of relieving stress than smoking:

1.) pasting someone with water balloons.
2.) just typing out everything that chaps your ass off and then sending it to someone. (the last part of this is optional)
3.) simply using a stress reliever.
4.) start yelling at someone who didnt do anything and then apologize when you feel like it.
5.) take a golf club and just throw it as far as you can.
6.) listen to "Simon Says" by pharoah monche.
7.) listen to "turn me on" by kevin lytll, and then smash whatever device is playing it.
8.) go get a massage.
9.) go have sex.
10.) play jenga. (this sometimes works for me)
11.) watch a funny movie.
12.) compete with someone in something that you know you'll just destroy them in.
13.) play darts.
14.) listen to "fucking hostile" by Pantera ~ frazho
15.) smoke weed.

once again im sure there are many others. you can tell me if you think of any.

nothing to say

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 17:37:15 GMT

if anyone was wondering why i post so early in the morning, ill answer it for you. i now work at my mom's cpa firm and realize that this is my only free time during the day. funny how at work i have nothing to do. i have literally like 3 duties here. i either 1.) answer the phones and transfer calls, 2.) shred papers, or 3.) do all the client's tax returns.

obviously im not qualified enough to handle #3 but the other two are my main jobs here.

i wont continue to go on about what goes on here because seriously the most exciting thing that happened yesterday was when this old man came in and dropped his keys on the floor. actually only people with my sense of humor would have found it a little amusing.

since i really have nothing important to say i will just leave everyone with this story. i must have replayed in my head so many times but just grasping the reality of what really happened is still kind of difficult:

i was playing golf at fred enke with dylan, martin and charlie when i came up to my third shot. now im no notah begay (who?) so an easy 140 yd shot to the green is never easy for me. anyways i swung so awkwardly and the ball never left the ground. instead it just sliced in like a 90 degree angle, going at least 120 mph. ofcourse i was not satisfied and slammed the head of my club on the ground. the three other guys were watching where my ball was going for me because i sure as hell didnt have the patience for this. surprised looks came upon all of their faces.

martin: dude i think you hit that bunny.

charlie: yeah you really did.

me: seriously?

martin: i think so.

so of course we go down there to check it out. there my ball was next to two bunnies that were just sitting there. one of them hopped away immediately as we began to approach them, but the other one didnt. so i got a little closer and it made its move away from us.

all of us: ugh!

as it hopped away its right leg was literally dangling from from its body. i absolutely killed its leg, and now that it hopped away into the woods, i couldnt reach it to try and put it out of its misery (not that i wouldve had the courage to do that anyways).

its not very funny to some, actually dylan said it was the saddest thing hes ever seen in his life. but charlie pointed out the fact that it like sacrificed itself to give me a better shot, which at the time was hysterical.

i have no idea what the point of sharing this was. once again, i hope people dont think im an awful person for finding the situation slightly amusing.